by Travis Mateer

While I finished last week like a fucking champ by describing how I’d have Sheriff Deputies execute Johnny Lee Perry IF I wanted him dead, the chump churning out digital garbage at the Missoula Current had some headlines about adult spelling bees and zero waste.

If you’re wondering why Martin “Gomer” Kidston is focusing on adult spelling bees instead of coroner’s inquests, maybe it’s because he’s stretched himself too thin in the multiple roles he’s placed himself in.

While I appreciate the go-getter attitude, it might be asking too much of this former Democratic spokesperson to be the Business Reporter, the County Government Reporter, the City Government Reporter AND the editor.

With Gomer’s absence of reporting, and other local news outlets barely able to string more than a few sentences together, I wondered if the information protectors at the Sheriff’s office and AG’s office were appreciative of this accomplishment, so I sent an email. Here’s a portion of my CONGRATS!

Hello information protectors!

I hope this email finds you well and secure in your respective positions keeping silos in place and the public in utter ignorance over the shooting death of the black man who was alleged to have been the prime instigator in the beating/strangulation death of that other black man who virtually no one in this liberal mecca seems to be familiar with, and I should know, because I keep talking about them (the two dead black men) everywhere I go (just ask the cashiers at the Good Food Store).

I was truly impressed by the Thursday display of CORONER’S INQUESTING regarding how truly terrifying Johnny Lee Perry was for all those white men with badges and guns, and how absolutely necessary it was to shoot him twice in the back after that CIT training didn’t produce the desired results.  I’m sure it had everything to do with that bulge Justin WHITE thought he saw in Johnny’s waistband, and the menacing way Johnny allegedly stared at poor Deputy WHITE, using some sort of cloth to simulate wiping blood from the blade.

That’s scary!  Is Deputy WHITE being referred to counseling to deal with his trauma?  Maybe ask Kirsten Pabst, I hear she’s a big fan of helping her attorneys deal with vicarious trauma (while choosing to not prosecute unstable meth users like Johnny B).

Anyhoo, you might have noticed I cc’d the North Star.  I only became familiar with this joke publication a few days ago, but already I’m excited to help educate anyone there, like Donny Rose, about what’s ACTUALLY happening in this fucked up County in this fucked up part of the state–which reminds me, did y’all know Johnny Lee Perry had a PFMA charge out of Mineral County?  That’s what Johnny’s mom told me as we chuckled about Johnny’s apparent super powers that so terrified Deputy WHITE as he imagined Johnny swooping down to the river to harm floaters and/or going berserker on recreating vehicles on the road.

And, to wrap this congratulatory email up, I hope no one ever gets curious about HOW exactly Johnny arrived at that camp, down that road, two and a half miles beyond the Deep Creek turnoff where a creepy looking felon was hanging out with a young white girl and her boyfriend.  Because that might actually provide the context to support the depiction I’ve chosen to use to describe what happened out there.

Another area of reporting-omission from the Kidston is the now ongoing volunteer efforts to address trash under and around the Reserve Street bridge area. Here’s a notice of the need for round 3:

I think this upcoming event would be an ideal candidate for ignoring next week, especially considering the potential triggering impact on Missoula County Sheriff Deputies upon seeing structures where untold dangers surely lurk.

Oh well, just more opportunity for a wily citizen journalist who is going to get a chance at amplification this coming weekend with a lineup of other freedom lovers.

So stay tuned, and thanks for reading!