My Secret To A Successful Christmas

by Travis Mateer

Today I’m going to share a few of my secrets for having a successful Christmas with family. I base my success on the fact no one yelled, cried, got arrested or otherwise did anything requiring apologies and/or a lawyer to fix.

I started off by doing something VERY IMPORTANT to ensure I was in the proper mindset for the holidays: ignore the authoritarians and the institutions they are using to spread the fear they derive power from.

If you’re in Missoula, I suggest starting with the Missoula City/County Health Department and the Twitter handle they created in April of 2020 in order to scare you into getting jabbed by Big Pharma.

First, what an adorable graphic. Who made these cute little spike proteins? I’m not sure if it helps drive home the FEAR OF OMICRON, but they sure are nice to look at. I wonder if these are made in house by government employees, or if they outsource the work to some consulting firm, like Six Pony Hitch.

Anywho, here’s the provenance of this COME TOGETHER Twitter handle:

My next secret for a successful family holiday season is to the black sheep who have been labeled as CONSPIRACY THEORISTS during past holidays. It’s gonna be hard, but you have to KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT about how right you always are. Timing is important when trying to incrementally dislodge family members from sophisticated propaganda techniques that have burrowed into their brains like malignant thought worms, and Christmas is NOT THE TIME.

If you don’t think you can accomplish this, here’s a tip: get a piece of paper and a writing utensil and write down your thoughts. Since I was trained at the University of Montana in the use of rhymes, my jottings are often couplets , like this assemblage of rhymes I wrote Christmas morning:

half vaxxed, half not 
Grandma has her booster shot 
plastic trash bags for the wrapping
flash of camera, PR mapping 

document self-conscious smiles 
heroin-likes in empty piles 
grandpa ices the champagne 
plagued with mad cow in his brain 

dad no angel, goes puff-puff 
his modest workout makes him huff 
and don't forget the creamed caffeine 
to survive this Christmas scene 

now the sugar and the carbs 
with snow occluding grassy yards 
merry merry, ho ho ho 
spruce the poop with pretty bows 

After avoiding arguments by citing the correctness of your approach to this information war against free thinking humans, do something to get your blood pumping. My choice of sonic motivation is a vigorous workout to the first four songs of Modest Mouse’s latest, The Golden Casket.

Music is a GREAT way to tame the inner flame of rage that burns in the hearts of those who understand what’s going on, and what’s at stake. So my final secret is a simple one: listen to good music.

What constitutes “good” music is, of course, very subjective, but I think my taste in tunes is pretty solid, so to conclude this day-after-Christmas post, let me share a song from an album José González just released this September. While the album (titled Local Valley) was recorded in Gothenburg, Sweden, I can’t help but think the song HEAD ON is an anthem tailored for Missoulians tired of what the gentrifiers are doing to this LOCAL VALLEY.

So here it is, dear readers. A kick-ass song to take you into the new year. Thanks for reading!

About Travis Mateer

I'm an artist and citizen journalist living and writing in Montana. You can contact me here: willskink at yahoo dot com
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1 Response to My Secret To A Successful Christmas

  1. My first thought on seeing the graphic was that the “representations” look like very tasty, sugary snacks which you just pop in your mouth and “Mmmmmmmmmm!” until they are gone…and then you do it again. Especially the one on the left with that delectable aqua colored frosting and little red candy on top. Just too good to be true!

    How threatening can Covid be when it is shown as something as delightful as that?

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