Vermont Defines What Is Essential For It’s Stupid Little Citizens Who Don’t Know Any Better And Need The Paternal Wisdom Of The State To Not Get Sick And Die

by William Skink

The screws are tightening.

The state of Vermont is directing its retail stores (the ones allowed to remain open) to stop selling “non-essential” items.

What has the state of Vermont declared as non-essential? Here’s a list from the Burlington Free Press:

  • Arts and crafts items.
  • Beauty supplies.
  • Carpet and flooring.
  • Clothes.
  • Consumer electronics.
  • Entertainment (books, music, movies).
  • Furniture.
  • Home and garden.
  • Jewelry.
  • Paint.
  • Photo services.
  • Sports equipment.
  • Toys.

Getting things to keep your kids entertained? Non-essential. Seeds to grow your own food? Non-essential. Work out equipment to stay in shape inside your home? Non-essential. Lotion for your skin-cracking hands from over-using sanitizer? Non-essential.

If you are already at a store that sells food and the store also sells books, DVD players and soccer balls, why not allow us to buy those items?

If you want to start turning people against the concept of a lockdown to flatten the curve, start arbitrarily defining what items are essential and which ones aren’t.

I guess us lowly citizens can’t be trusted to limit our consumerism so we need the authoritarian paternalism of the state to step-in to make sure we’re not needlessly roaming Walmart for tomato seeds and People magazine.

Here in Montana I took my dog on a walk yesterday. I was met with several signs telling me how to behave on the trail. Let’s go through this bullshit sign by sign. Here’s the first one:


I’m already confused.  People who don’t know each other already hike single file.  Is this supposed to apply to those who know each other?  If I’m out with my wife are we supposed to walk single file, or will we be allowed to walk side by side.  Ridiculous.  Here’s the next one:


If you want to linger in your natural environment to enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of nature, get off the trail, you disease-spreading idiots!


If someone needs to pass you, stop and wait.  Don’t do like I did and walk off trail over fallen logs because an older woman apparently didn’t see these signs and was not adhering to our new hiking rules.




This is to avoid the terrifying scenario of a dog off leash that approaches another person and then the dog owner might have to get too close to that other person and maybe the dog owner isn’t wearing a makeshift mask and sneezes and then you’re dead.  So follow the rules.

And if you don’t, well, the paternalistic state will have to intervene because you stupid people couldn’t follow a few simple rules. It’s for your safety, don’t you know.

Remember, everything happening in our state right now in regards to how we are supposed to act in light of a global pandemic does not apply to homeless people. They can do whatever they want because Governor Bullock prefers to pretend like they don’t exist.

So, if I’m out hiking on a trail with my dog, or at Walmart buying a Lego set for myself (Legos are a crucial part of my self-care regimen), and I’m questioned about my actions, I’m just going to say I’m homeless and therefore exempt.

If pressed I will further explain that I used to have a home in a country called America, but it doesn’t appear I live in that country anymore. Instead I live in Amerika, an imperialist plutocracy that officially stopped pretending to be a democracy around September 11, 2001.

If you don’t understand that you also live here with me in Amerika, I bet a few more weeks of pandemic lockdown with set you straight.

About Travis Mateer

I'm an artist and citizen journalist living and writing in Montana. You can contact me here: willskink at yahoo dot com
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