Today’s post is NOT for those who will be enjoying time with their family today. It’s for those who have nothing but an obnoxious slog ahead of them to look forward to. For those peeps, here are some things (besides drinking yourself into oblivion) that may help pass the time.
GET CRAFTY!
If you have a pair of scissors, some glue or scotch tape, and some old newspapers or magazines, then you have the makings for GETTING CRAFTY! Stop letting AI have all the fun with image-creation and go OLD SCHOOL with the simple joy of collage. Trust me, with the right material, you’ll be having some legit fun in NO TIME!
What I did, as evidenced by the pic above, was take an actual political cartoon that wasn’t funny at all and, with some quick snips, I’ve made it VERY FUNNY! Of course, humor is often in the eye of the beholder, so don’t go try spreading your unique “holiday cheer” to others because, these days, everyone is SO DAMN SENSITIVE!
While pairing this activity with day-drinking is the obvious choice, non-drinkers like myself may want to roll up something special to, you know, enhance creative decision making.
GET MELODIC!
If the video above doesn’t work out (like my marriage), then this link will take you to the musical stylings of my broken heart. It’s much nicer for the ears when words like “cunt” and “stunt” are sung along to ukulele chords. Also, putting energy into creating a song will hopefully distract you from firing off that email you know you shouldn’t have pressed “send” on.
GET POETIC!
If it all seems a little too depressing and pointless–like hoping a ceasefire actually means a ceasefire–then USE YOUR WORDS! It’s exponentially more constructive and less provocative than executing soldiers in your host-country.
This poem, for example, was inspired by the impressive passion of the tiny hat people, and a movie, starring Hugh Grant, titled Heretic. I hope you enjoy it!
there's a fire at the ceasefire
but please do not feel sad
please trapeze uneasy feelings
away from saying bad
is any action taken by
the passion of the hat
more powerful than tinfoil
when lasers rain attack
Hugh will grant you access
you little Mormon lass
who will say it's heresy
to mow before the grass
grows beyond the limit
the timid will not name
Grant says true religion
is control the whole damn game!
maybe you're retarded
maybe you are woke
maybe you're a little baby
who doesn't get the joke
I am sick of plastic dicks
and rotting pussy holes
the algorithm hates us and
is coming for our souls
watch the skies for pretty lies
our cosmic friends are here!
Katy Perry was the prophet
lubing up the gears
to Zion for the mighty lion
with Babalon perfume
Aleister must be happy
he made the will go BOOM!
wingspan with my daughter
water with my boys
returning from inversion
is a heavy thing to hoist
do not be retarded
inertia is for punks
only YOU can YOU YOU...
and do not trust the monks
I know, probably not the kind of poetry that will win me any friends at the Sherwood community poetry library, but do they have a first edition copy of Hart Crane’s The Bridge I spent a grand of divorce money on? I seriously doubt it.
One final holiday note to the left LARP dumbly provoking the right LARP with the rationale that National Guard deaths occurred because Trump put them there. To use that kind of thinking, one might reach further back in history to claim yesterday’s deaths were the result of allowing a treasonous three letter agency to continue institutionally breathing instead of smothering it like JFK envisioned. Just a thought before you dig in to gobble turkey flesh.
Thanks for reading!
