by Travis Mateer
During my initial investigation of this UNAUTHORIZED sign removal and subsequent theft, I’ve determined that my concerns regarding this piece of special geography on the Hip Strip in Missoula should be going to Cole Bergquist.
Ok then. Here’s the letter:
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Dear Cole,
It has come to my attention that my investigative attention toward your former partner, the White Lion, has been for naught because it was YOU I should have been seeking the whole time.
Who am I? There should be a simple answer to that question, but these are NOT simple times, so lets just say I’m a Renaissance Man with many talents aimed at the simple goal of helping protect my community from societal collapse, which is currently ongoing.
Did you know, Cole, that vandalism is now occurring on your Belle LLC property where once upon a time a newspaper was produced? Let’s put aside for the moment the irony that an unpaid local journalist with a box-house on wheels is telling you this from the state where you played football but do not live because I’m not reaching out to you in the capacity of a journalist anymore. No, I’m a TRASH ALCHEMIST, and I’ve been looking for a special place to do my work, like conducting narrative experiments with hand-puppets and building plastic brick masterpieces.
When I say “vandalism” I do not include the sign I made with two pieces of wood and two screws, which I regret to inform you has been STOLEN! Who could have perpetrated such an UNcreative crime? That, Cole, is what I’m currently investigating.
Before I get to results of the first day of my investigation, I should probably explain what the sign said, and why I found it necessary to create and affix it to the rock and metal that describes what no longer exists at this vacant location on the Hip Strip.
The sign said TAAAAAZ, which stands for the Trash Alchemist Awesome And Amazing Autonomous Zone, and there is absolutely no value, just my curiosity, along with some questions, that I’d like to pose to whomever put forth the effort to UNscrew what I screwed with such joy, hope, and optimism.
Question 1—does your skillset include placing trash items in trash bags? If so, I could use some help cleaning up this community!
Question 2—do you have a lawn mower? There’s some grass that needs mowing!
Question 3—would you like a free ticket to the first show of the Broken Windows Theory as told by hand-puppets?
Question 4—how many more years will this property attract the entropic power of blight like a blackhole sucking weaker matter into its annihilating void of nothingness?
These are the kind of questions I’ll be pondering as I stand on the back of my open tailgate gazing at the few storefronts left inviting customers to engage in commerce, like the weed shop that finally replaced my favorite bead store (Bathing Beauties), Betty’s Divine, and the obnoxious declaration of GILD where the Crystal Theater once stood.
At Float (where I enjoyed time in one of their sensory-deprivation tanks back when I had money) I learned that it appeared to be high schoolers who got arrested for acts of hooliganism on the property of Belle LLC, but I did NOT learn who removed my sign.
I continued making inquiries downtown, including at your office, where your assistant, Jeremy, kindly listened to my tales of blight and fright, but so far the results of my investigation have been disappointing. Like so many things happening in this town, which includes disposing of human beings like trash, it appears like this troubling behavior might never be properly addressed.
Anyway, I hope the weather is nice in California, because it’s COLD in Montana, and when it’s cold my fingers get sore, which makes constructing scenes with plastic bricks VERY difficult.
Thank you for your time!
Sincerely,
Your Trustworthy Parking Lot Sovereign, the TRASH ALCHEMIST!
