by William Skink

This post is intended to make amends for not fully supporting a real man for US Senate. That real man who should be reelected is Jon Tester–a farmer, eater of meat–and not some namby-pamby gun control zealot.

Am I man enough to support Jon Tester? I am not sure. I own a Justin Timberlake album and may even have bromantic feelings for a conservative. So as a sort of mea culpa I’ve created my Tester Rap, which we will get to in a second.

But first, it’s important to acknowledge that real men get things done, and Tester is a real man who gets things done. Not on gun control, of course. No, Tester knows who the important people are to help, and it’s not the weak-knee liberals he is so often mistakingly associated with–it’s bankers. The conjurers of cash and makers of bubbles need help, and Tester is there for them.

But don’t take it from me, here’s an article from The Intercept you can read about Tester keeping at like a real man to help community banks.  That’s the propaganda pitch, of course, to help “community” banks.  Sometimes real men have to be manipulative like that to help out the important people who just happen to give lots of money to political campaigns.  From the link:

“There was some agreement that we should help community banks,” Brown said in an interview. “But it starts with changing the rules for small banks and then you have to do it for the big guys.”

Instead of the ranking member’s departure ending the process, however, the very next day moderate Democrats on the Banking Committee stepped into his place. Led by Heitkamp and Tester, they negotiated directly with Crapo, and within a couple weeks, reached a breakthrough on S.2155: the “Economic Growth, Regulatory Relief and Consumer Protection Act” (pro-regulation groups have taken to calling it the “Bank Lobbyist Act.”) Within weeks, the bill swiftly passed the Banking Committee 16-7, with Republicans and a bloc of four Democrats — Heitkamp, Tester, Donnelly, and Warner — voting down every attempt to amend it.

Heitkamp, Tester, and Donnelly are all up for re-election in November, in states Trump carried by a wide margin. Democratic staffers believe they longed to show distance from the national party, whatever the topic. “They want to be able to say ‘bipartisan’ to constituents,” said one aide. “The ‘what’ doesn’t matter.”

So all that said, here’s the video. Lyrics are after the fold. I will also say for anyone concerned that no Petey heads were damaged with the making of this video.  Enjoy!

Tester, banker?
he no faker
check the fingers
meat in cooler
spin just spool of
yarn from the farm
Big Sandy and
its Pearl Jam charm
so dig the music
his big equipment
and did you know
his flat on top
is really famous
(really, really famous)
so think of that
and not lying about
logging litigation
that shit is boring
bums me out
so shut up keyboard
clucker—cynical
motherfucker—
Jon got hurt
needed stitches
on the farm
bleeding
for the land
and you reptiles
are belly-crawlers
belly-aching
saying big meanie
about Big Sandy
and feeling randy
for a rough-hand touch
from a true man
of the land
no, no Timberlake here
or hippies hugging trees
(the lungs Big Flat Top
needs to breathe)
you could say
I’m not hot on Jon
but Petey wants to know
if bromance brews
do I hanker for the tanker
of a Big Swede type?
to lay his pipeline down
as Putin watches
on a horse
cold and hard
grinning, sneering
popcorn popping
in his hand
a strangled rat—
US democracy
has been killed
an act of war
like Pearl Harbor
I say
goddamn
you crazy fuckers
what are you doing?
dupes in
righteous armor
digging farmers
planting seeds
of war
you’re fucking crazy
like McCarthy
Commmies! Commies!
everywhere
COMMIES! COMMIES!
EVERYWHERE!!!
how’d that go last time
Baby Boomers?
or do you really just want
to live up to your name
your crashing wave
your grey tsunami
daddy, mommy
income’s nutty
health scam scummy
so tell me
do you think
do you think
do you think
you’re almost done?
(I hope you are)