by Travis Mateer
It’s tiring hating my father–and also a bit of a cliche–but since I don’t flee from the anger anymore by self-medicating with alcohol, I just have to endure the waves of rage as they hit, sometimes with tsunami-level force.
I didn’t understand the damage emotional neglect has had on my ability to form healthy relationships until my marriage fell apart. Now my family is having to realize the hard way that money is a VERY POOR substitute for love.
Before the pandemic I had reached a sort of equilibrium in my emotional approach to my father’s emotional retardation, but that was destroyed (along with so many other things) by an insane pressure campaign to accept a “health” intervention I didn’t think was a good fit for myself or my kids. Having now seen the results, I can safely say that I will NEVER FORGET how that manipulation was carried out by flying monkeys like my father.
Any chance at meaningful conversation with my father ended when he made it clear that he thought I was making a BIG MISTAKE by not jabbing my kids. Another mistake my family thinks I’m making is FIGHTING BACK against the elements of our society that allowed empathy to be weaponized so that a Big Pharma product could be rushed into billions of bodies around the world.
I wonder if there are any RED flags for a supposed Christian like my father to observe that might clue him in to the kind of agenda he’s uncritically accepting?
Yes, signs and wonders abound, and with REVELATION of the method on fully display, subtlety has been replaced by overt mockery. It’s nearly impossible for hot-heads like me to NOT take the bait.
Since we’re in the middle of an apocalypse, and because I can’t get the haunting voice of Jim Morrison out of my head, I spent the pre-dawn hours of February 11th watching a movie that opens with Jim’s song about THE END. It’s a movie that definitely involves fathers, and what happens to them in this WAR realm–fathers like Charlie Sheen’s dad and Jim’s, the admiral who helped escalate the war the movie is about.
I’m glad I rewatched this fucked up movie because I heard with fresh ears the story that sends Colonel Kurtz deep into the heart of darkness. Here it is, from a transcript of the screenplay (emphasis mine):
The diamond shot that fucked up Kurtz is a cerebral reaction to the annihilation of the heart, which then leads him into a dangerous assumption that these “others” he witnesses acting brutally are fighting WITH heart. Kurtz assumes his men aren’t of a higher caliber because they are different kinds of men, and that’s not true. It’s not about what the men are fighting WITH, it’s about what they are fighting FOR, and the problem for the West’s occupying colonial presence in Vietnam is that they aren’t really fighting FOR anything.
That’s not true, young American men were killing and dying in the jungles of Vietnam (and Cambodia, and Laos, and, and, and…) for sociopaths who think there are too many dirty humans on this planet to share limited resources with. These sociopaths LOVE imposing infrastructure that benefits their bottomline, and they can’t accomplish their goals without their loyal monkeys flapping out from the castle to protect the sorcerers of bullshit.
Since the legal process for dissolving a marital contract is expensive, I did something I loathed and immediately regretted, which was ask my parents for some financial help so that my interests could be independently represented by counsel. The response I got back triggered a wave of anger that nearly smothered me. For reasons someone else helped me see, I won’t include the language of the text.
I’m pulling the curtain back on my personal baggage because it’s anecdotal evidence to anyone who gives a shit that some of us are beyond the point of verbal apologies being adequate to rectify the complicity of those who enabled psychopathic monsters to take our entire society in the direction of a full-blown, totalitarian dystopia. Words are empty shells if they’re not backed by meaningful action.
The action my father took during the pandemic was to simply do what corporate America told him to do, and then to gaslight his own son for NOT going along with the program. I asked him, point-blank, if he STILL thought I made the wrong decision for my kids, but he refused to answer me. That’s cowardice. I also asked him if he was up-to-date on his Big Pharma final solution, and still no response, so I poked around his office and found a great of example of what cowardice looks like:
While my father has made his choices, I’m happy to get to know OTHER fathers who chose differently for their families, and it shows.
If you appreciate the sacrifices I’ve made to stand up for what I believe in, then please consider making a financial donation to my about page.
Thanks for reading!
LMFAO, you poor thing!
“Most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions.”
-T.S. Eliot
I’m sorry to hear you’re another victim of a narcissist, it’s especially horrible that it was your father, implying you couldn’t escape the torture without emancipation. It seems you’re becoming fluent in the workings of NPD though, which is the disease the corporate fascists and there subservient media is trying to infect society with. Why? Narcissists are easy to manipulate, and long-term are self-defeating.
They tend to be highly motivated and intelligent, but not smart enough to realize they, like all of us, have blind spots. Because they need to be the center of attention, and nobody is smarter than them, these blind spots can become critical, especially when information hazards become terminal. They also get bound to causes, and due to the nature of the disease, are unable to change course without taking a hit to there pride, something that is nearly impossible for an NPD to do. Due to this, over time, they tend to isolate themselves to shield themselves from uncomfortable truths that would boil there pride. Many narcissists die alone because they’ve driven everyone away that disagrees with them.
As you may have learned from your research on NPD, it is a contagious social disease. Long-term exposure to narcissists infect there victims through a process dubbed FLEAS. Fleas are the psychological abuses they use to manipulate there victims. Not all victims develop fleas, but the longer you’re exposed to a narcissist, the higher the chance you’ll inherit these traits. I’m not saying you’ve developed fleas, but you should at least consider it, for your health and the health of your family.
The good news is that it’s curable: mindful meditation, disconnect from social media, and get outside away from society for several hours a day. Treat it like an addiction and when you find yourself exhibiting these traits, go burn it off with some heavy exercise. Also narcissists are unable to control there self-gratification urges, so stay away from all addictive substances and behavior: especially alcohol.
It’s very brave of you to talk about your personal experiences with narcissism openly. Society won’t be able to escape this virus if we don’t teach each other how to defeat it. Thanks for talking about it.
Narcissists have more agency than I’d give him credit for. Flying monkeys are foot soldiers, and not always conscious of how they are being used. I think we all have fluidity, and part of the technocratic push is to create narcissism where it didn’t previously exist.
How interesting that you and I were driven to re-watch Apocalypse Now on the same day. I hadn’t watched it for probably ten years. Well, I think that some/many of us feel the suppressed terror, and hear Jim’s voice, as both societal and material infrustructure is no longer fraying, but is coming apart at the seams.
And our response has generally been to enable our subjugation, by fighting amongst ourselves over the question “Who is The Enemy?”, which is translatable to “Whomever attacks the “wrong enemy,” is MY enemy…”. We’re divided against outselves. Pogo was right all along (“We have met the enemy, and it is us.”).
The basic lies which fuel ensconced, exploitative evil are three chants comprising the ubiquitous, unceasing mantra permeating civilization, that: (1) more is always better than less; (2) the more one relies upon state of the art electronic devices, the more free time one will have for sex and leisure; (3) the more people who become active posters and political activists on social media, the stronger is the united popular resistance against The Enemy.
Now that AI bots have succeeded in getting fake study articles past journal peer reviewers, we’ve crossed into a new frontier of corrupted truth. Old books will become increasingly valuable as EVERYTHING on the Information Highway becomes suspect.
A lot more to say, but I’ll save it.
You are the second person today who has told me they recently watched Apocalypse Now. As for the books, absolutely, some physical copies will be worth their weight in gold.