by Travis Mateer
It’s tiring hating my father–and also a bit of a cliche–but since I don’t flee from the anger anymore by self-medicating with alcohol, I just have to endure the waves of rage as they hit, sometimes with tsunami-level force.
I didn’t understand the damage emotional neglect has had on my ability to form healthy relationships until my marriage fell apart. Now my family is having to realize the hard way that money is a VERY POOR substitute for love.
Before the pandemic I had reached a sort of equilibrium in my emotional approach to my father’s emotional retardation, but that was destroyed (along with so many other things) by an insane pressure campaign to accept a “health” intervention I didn’t think was a good fit for myself or my kids. Having now seen the results, I can safely say that I will NEVER FORGET how that manipulation was carried out by flying monkeys like my father.
Any chance at meaningful conversation with my father ended when he made it clear that he thought I was making a BIG MISTAKE by not jabbing my kids. Another mistake my family thinks I’m making is FIGHTING BACK against the elements of our society that allowed empathy to be weaponized so that a Big Pharma product could be rushed into billions of bodies around the world.
I wonder if there are any RED flags for a supposed Christian like my father to observe that might clue him in to the kind of agenda he’s uncritically accepting?
Yes, signs and wonders abound, and with REVELATION of the method on fully display, subtlety has been replaced by overt mockery. It’s nearly impossible for hot-heads like me to NOT take the bait.
Since we’re in the middle of an apocalypse, and because I can’t get the haunting voice of Jim Morrison out of my head, I spent the pre-dawn hours of February 11th watching a movie that opens with Jim’s song about THE END. It’s a movie that definitely involves fathers, and what happens to them in this WAR realm–fathers like Charlie Sheen’s dad and Jim’s, the admiral who helped escalate the war the movie is about.
I’m glad I rewatched this fucked up movie because I heard with fresh ears the story that sends Colonel Kurtz deep into the heart of darkness. Here it is, from a transcript of the screenplay (emphasis mine):
The diamond shot that fucked up Kurtz is a cerebral reaction to the annihilation of the heart, which then leads him into a dangerous assumption that these “others” he witnesses acting brutally are fighting WITH heart. Kurtz assumes his men aren’t of a higher caliber because they are different kinds of men, and that’s not true. It’s not about what the men are fighting WITH, it’s about what they are fighting FOR, and the problem for the West’s occupying colonial presence in Vietnam is that they aren’t really fighting FOR anything.
That’s not true, young American men were killing and dying in the jungles of Vietnam (and Cambodia, and Laos, and, and, and…) for sociopaths who think there are too many dirty humans on this planet to share limited resources with. These sociopaths LOVE imposing infrastructure that benefits their bottomline, and they can’t accomplish their goals without their loyal monkeys flapping out from the castle to protect the sorcerers of bullshit.
Since the legal process for dissolving a marital contract is expensive, I did something I loathed and immediately regretted, which was ask my parents for some financial help so that my interests could be independently represented by counsel. The response I got back triggered a wave of anger that nearly smothered me. For reasons someone else helped me see, I won’t include the language of the text.
I’m pulling the curtain back on my personal baggage because it’s anecdotal evidence to anyone who gives a shit that some of us are beyond the point of verbal apologies being adequate to rectify the complicity of those who enabled psychopathic monsters to take our entire society in the direction of a full-blown, totalitarian dystopia. Words are empty shells if they’re not backed by meaningful action.
The action my father took during the pandemic was to simply do what corporate America told him to do, and then to gaslight his own son for NOT going along with the program. I asked him, point-blank, if he STILL thought I made the wrong decision for my kids, but he refused to answer me. That’s cowardice. I also asked him if he was up-to-date on his Big Pharma final solution, and still no response, so I poked around his office and found a great of example of what cowardice looks like:
While my father has made his choices, I’m happy to get to know OTHER fathers who chose differently for their families, and it shows.
If you appreciate the sacrifices I’ve made to stand up for what I believe in, then please consider making a financial donation to my about page.
Thanks for reading!