by Travis Mateer

The sudden withdrawal of Missoula County School Board candidate, Nevin Graves, after old allegations from a former romantic partner were recast in “their” pronoun-confusing direction, reminded me it was past time for some more direct conversations with my two oldest kids about sex.

Before getting to my appreciation for what Billie Eilish recently brought to this conversation regarding consuming sexually explicit material at a pre-pubescent age, I want to discuss my concern, as a parent, about the candidacy of Nevin Graves and the broader topic of teachers and educators initiating conversations about sex with students.

If readers are capable of ignoring the issue of pronouns and gender confusion for a moment, I’d like to describe a social concept known as “boundaries”. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:

If you haven’t raised kids you might not understand the importance of establishing healthy boundaries with your children as a means of giving them the tools (like a healthy self esteem) to form boundary-respecting relationships with others.

The importance of this becomes even more critical when you introduce the idea of sexual grooming because kids with low self-esteem are easier targets for sexual predators. Why do you think Jeffrey Epstein targeted POOR young girls in Florida for his insatiable appetite? Socio-economic stresses can provide early corrosion to the boundaries kids need to be safe.

After the 12/29 post I had a chance to read Graves’ full statement. Here are some parts I find troubling (emphasis mine):

The truth is that I was 18, and Everett was 15. A three-year age gap. I acknowledge that dating him was the stupidest thing I have ever done. I also remember him threatening my life, beating and stabbing me, and frequently self-harming while forcing me to watch. I remember praying to God that Everett would get better, that if we could just get him through small-town life and into space where he could heal, that everything would be okay. 

First, let’s establish a fact: Nevin Graves is NOT a mental health professional, and therefore has NO BUSINESS playing an active, direct role in assessing what his accuser needed, at the time, as a supposedly troubled youth, especially if the behavior was as extreme as physical violence.

Second, the association of “small-town life” as a contributing factor to the 15 year old romantic partner Nevin Graves was trying to “help” seems more than a little disingenuous. I would go so far as to say Nevin Graves seems like “they” might be hoping the use of this rural stereotype of intolerance will help insulate them from the fallout of accusations of grooming and sexual assault.

Another thing to consider, since Graves’ accuser was instrumental in the recent UM Law school witch hunt, is why Nevin Graves did NOT come forward to raise the alarm about a mentally unstable law school student involved in this campus movement to cancel educators at UM.

The age of Graves’ romantic partner when the grooming allegedly began is around the same age Billie Eilish was when she started consuming porn. This was a topic of conversation when Eilish was on Howard Stern recently (because of course it was) but what Eilish says is insightful and heartbreaking.

Here’s how one media outlet reported on Eilish’s admission:

“I think porn is a disgrace. I used to watch a lot of porn, to be honest. I started watching porn when I was, like, 11,” the Bad Guy singer said, saying it helped her feel as if she were cool and “one of the guys”.

“I think it really destroyed my brain and I feel incredibly devastated that I was exposed to so much porn,” she added, saying she suffered nightmares because some of the content she watched was so violent and abusive.

I told my kids how much Eilish, who can’t even legally drink alcohol yet, regrets the impact of porn’s neurological impact and what the grooming ultimately led to when she was intimate with another person.

Eilish said she is now angry at herself for thinking it was OK to watch so much porn.

“The first few times I, you know, had sex, I was not saying no to things that were not good. It was because I thought that’s what I was supposed to be attracted to,” she said.

The grooming my kids could be exposed to isn’t just coming from individuals, it’s ALSO coming from vulgar capitalist enterprises, like Porn Hub. That link is to an Opperman Report episode on the blatant trafficking and abuse happening right in front of authorities watchful eyes.

This isn’t a topic I relish having with my kids, but as more activist educators with terrible boundaries seek to initiate conversations about sexual orientation (and boasting about it on social media), I can’t afford not to.

Thanks for reading.