by Travis Mateer
My assertion in this post is that the majority of voters in US elections should be considered “low information voters”. So, while it might be a nice idea to think smart people who have nuanced opinions about complicated issues are the ones darkening bubbles for candidates, the reality is closer to most voters not knowing what the hell is going on, and our deplorable media industry is going to keep them that way.
Which brings me to Missoula’s Mayoral race and the very important question I have for local readers: are you going to vote for the penis or the vagina for Mayor?
I think the vagina has a very good chance of winning this race, and I’m basing this statement on graffiti. Specifically, there is a stencil I’ve seen spray-painted around town and it has a very simple message: vote women.
If Mike Nugent is serious about becoming Mayor, there’s a very simple action he can take to show us he’s serious about leading Missoula into the new era: CUT IT OFF, MIKE!
By cutting off his penis, Mike Nugent will be a much more compelling and competitive candidate for Missoula. Heck, I suspect even TIME MAGAZINE will take notice of Mike Nugent if he shows this kind of bravery and dedication to our NEW WORLD of extreme, body-modifying Transhumanism.
Maybe, if we’re a lucky human species, our Mayoral candidates will one day look like this:
Will Mike Nugent get brave? If he’s worried about what his wife might think, he should know that in this NEW AGE, appendages will be EVEN BETTER than those flesh sticks prone to dysfunction we currently have swinging between our legs.
Imagine a detachable, rechargeable appendage with multiple settings! Problems of size and lasting are problems no longer! Just look at how happy Ally Sheedy is!
Seriously though, I am very NOT interested in Missoula’s Mayoral race because I don’t think it matters one bit whether Mike or Andrea wins. The most interesting thing about this race is that Jordan Hess, Missoula’s SHORTEST placeholder Mayor, got taken out in the primary.
What does the Hess failure mean? It means members of the old guard, who aligned behind Hess, have some ass kissing to do, so the real question is WHAT ASS will they kiss? Will it be the ass that backs an external, linear set of genitalia, or the one that features an internal, more circular genitalia setup?
Thanks for reading!