by Travis Mateer

After reading this article about a police training that will no longer be offered to local law enforcement, I am even MORE interested in finding out the names of the Sheriff Deputies involved in the shooting death of Johnny Lee Perry because now I have a new question I can ask them: how was your sex after shooting dead a machete-wielding homeless man?

If you weren’t aware that killing people leads to awesome sexual intercourse with your partner and/or CI (confidential informant), that’s probably because you haven’t been trained by the Killogists of Killology. Here’s the information that emerged AFTER this group got local government money to pass along their amazing insights into killing and fucking. From the link:

Earlier this week, city councilors approved about $8,000 for two recent police training sessions with a company, Killology Research Group, which is mired in controversy surrounding comments made by its director, former Army Lt. Col. Dave Grossman.

In a video that surfaced online last year of a presentation by Killology in 2015, Grossman implies that sexual pleasure of police officers is amplified following a violent confrontation with a suspect.

With this training in mind, what I witnessed last September, which I wrote about in a post titled Did I Just Witness A New Police Tactic?, is beginning to make more sense. Police must have been so eager to exit the speeding police cruiser, dangerously opening the door while the car sped toward Caras Park, because later they would be fucking like STALLIONS.

Cool.

Speaking of fucking, nothing lubricates the union of genitalia like alcohol, which is why I’m so glad BEER GARDENS are showing early success after being enabled to exist on campus by the legislature. After breaking down where the six figures will be distributed from this year’s sales, here’s how the exuberance of MORE beer gardens to come is being reported:

And it’s not just football, as UM has had a beer garden at men’s and women’s basketball games in Dahlberg Arena this year as well.

As the first-year trials go forward, it’s about finding ways to grow the beer garden to enhance fan experience while also staying safe and growing that revenue.

“Anytime you do something like this and you have a good experience and you create new revenue, I think it’s probably natural progression to start talking about how do you do that in different ways and different areas, so I think those conversations will happen in the offseason just to see where this goes,” Martin said. “I think it was well received but now that we do have a year under our belts and some time, how do we take that and continue to go with it.”

Isn’t this prospect of MORE REVENUE exciting? So how about beer gardens in the University Center building, and open-air beer gardens on the quad, and DEFINITELY some beer gardens near the English Department (for the poets) and the nice Native center (for the Indians).

I love the leadership of my town. So much wisdom in finding that critical balance between money and fun, with a careful eye toward pretending like we weren’t a college town scrutinized for rapes and the criminal justice system’s LOVELY response to a culture of sexual assault that totally doesn’t include alcohol as an important factor.

Have a fun weekend, Missoula!